The Steipler
Gaon, Rav Yaakov Yisroel Kanievsky, was known as many things: a towering Torah
personality, a dispenser of sage advice and a prolific author. However, he was
not necessarily known as a warm and fuzzy personality; he had an austere
demeanor, he spoke in brief and blunt sentences, and he did not stand out in
his rapport with young children. Furthermore, as the consummate masmid, Rav Kanievsky z”l avoided public
appearances and s’machot as much as
possible so as not to detract from his intense Torah study. Imagine the shock
to all those in attendance, at a Jerusalem bar mitzvah several decades ago,
when the Steipler showed up to greet the bar mitzvah boy on his special
day. The murmurs could be heard around the
crowd, who was this young man? Why did he
merit a personal visit and greeting all the way from B’nei B’rak?
When one of his
close disciples asked him about his unusual behavior, the Steipler explained
that years earlier he had an interaction with that same boy, and was concerned
that he may have inadvertently slighted him. This presented him with a halachic
dilemma, since it is prohibited to give offense to a minor, but at the same
time, a minor is not halachically able to forgive that offense. After the
incident, he inquired about the boy’s birthday and bar mitzvah so that he could
attend the celebration and beg his forgiveness at the first opportunity
available.
Our tzadikim teach us about the extreme
lengths we must go to to avoid offending another person. The prohibition of
offending another Jew, אונאה, appears in the first aliya of this week’s
double portion:
ויקרא כה:יז
וְלֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ
וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹקיךָ כִּי
אֲנִי
ה'
אֱלֹקיכֶם.
Do
not persecute your fellow, and you shall fear God, for I am Hashem your God.
While there is
one form of onaah known as אונאת
ממון,
deceiving someone financially, the Steipler was concerned about a second and
more prevalent form of ona’ah - אונאת
דברים
-
using your words to offend, oppress or persecute others.
The Talmud, Bava
Metzia elaborates upon the words of the Mishnah to illustrate what this means.
תלמוד בבלי מסכת בבא מציעא דף נח עמוד ב
משנה.
כשם
שאונאה
במקח
וממכר
כך
אונאה
בדברים.
לא
יאמר
לו
בכמה
חפץ
זה
והוא
אינו
רוצה
ליקח.
אם
היה
בעל
תשובה
לא
יאמר
לו
זכור
מעשיך
הראשונים,
אם
הוא
בן
גרים
לא
יאמר
לו
זכור
מעשה
אבותיך,
שנאמר
וגר
לא
תונה
ולא
תלחצנו.
The mishna
provides several examples of אונאת דברים:
Don't
ask a vendor for a price on a potential purchase if you have no real interest
in making the purchase.
If you confront a Ba’al Teshuvah,
do not remind him of his earlier deeds, if he descends from converts to
Judaism, do not say “remember whence you came.”
It is to be hoped that most of us wouldn’t
ever directly violate this prohibition. It would be a gross breach of etiquette
and deeply hurtful, to boot. Think, though, about friends who may have become
more observant or more serious about their Judaism over time. Perhaps it is
someone who is now in Yeshiva or teaching Torah, yet you remember when they
experimented with substances behind the school gymnasium. Or the childhood
friend who is now a prominent community member and solid citizen, yet you recall
when they were nothing to write home about. Ona’at
Devarim is so egregious, because it is an attempt to saddle people with
their former identity, even as they have enthusiastically adopted a new one.
In the midst of
the numerous interpretations of this prohibition- which include financial
coercion, deceitful business tactics and disparaging words, the great Chassidic
master Rav Naftali of Ropshitz[1]
offers a novel interpretation. לא תונו
איש
את
עמיתו
does not merely refer to oppressing others-
it refers to oppressing ourselves as well. Don’t cheat yourself, don’t deceive
yourself, and above all, don’t disparage yourself or your past.
Of course,
self-deception is a shortcoming we are all aware of, and, to some degree, we
all engage in. People violate this when they believe themselves more virtuous,
wiser, funnier or better liked than they actually are; If you’ve ever watched
“The Office,” this is why the character of Michael Scott was both so hilarious
and so cringeworthy at the same time - he is entirely lacking self awareness. The social scientists David
Dunning and Justin Kruger[2]
studied this trait, which has become known as Dunning-Kruger Effect- in which
people overestimate their levels of skill and underestimate their own mistakes
and shortcomings. It is wrong to lie to ourselves because if we do, we will
never engage in introspection and self perfection.
In addition to
being honest with ourselves, there is an alternative facet to Ona’at Atzmo - namely, do not hold yourself bound to your own past mistakes!
Much as we are
cautioned to not remind a baal teshuva of
what she has done, we must remember that while our past shapes us, it does not
define us. We have to stop beating
ourselves up over everything that evokes shame.
We mustn't revisit the broken narrative of our history - for to do so, is to violate לא
תונו.
When we replay negative tropes about ourselves, and the embarrassing stories we
tell about our history, we run the risk of internalizing the message that we
are no better today. Tragically, we come to believe that we don’t have what it
takes to survive a challenging time such as this one, that our new
relationships are doomed by undesirable behavior patterns or life
circumstances, that we cannot grow spiritually and intellectually because we
lack the tools or the education. While we strive for honesty, reflection and constant
self improvement, growth is often hindered by too much brutal “honesty.”
For this, we most remember the lesson of
the Holy Ropshitzer- “do not persecute yourself!” Instead, let us consider
giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt- now more than ever before.
[1] Source - מאוצרינו הישן, ב. יאושזון
[2]
https://www.verywellmind.com/an-overview-of-the-dunning-kruger-effect-4160740
Comments
Post a Comment