Parshat V'etchanan - 5780 Tu B'Av - Love at First Sight

It was the summer of 1998, Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu, when a handful of us working in Camp Morasha and Morasha Kollel decided to drive out to the Catskills to attend a concert.  That particular year there was not only one concert for Shabbos Nachamu, but two!  Avraham Fried was promoting his most recent album, “Chazak '' and it was sure to be a scene, while several miles away Dedi Graucher, another Jewish superstar was holding a concert of his own. Along the way, a fierce debate had developed among our chaveirim as to which concert we should attend. In the end, Avraham Fried won out in a 3-2 vote, because we heard that they were giving away free hats at his concert.  They were blue and the word “Chazak!” was embroidered in white thread along the front.

Evidently the Dedi/Avraham Fried debate was not only taking place in our car, but many in the Catskills were similarly conflicted over their Motzaei Shabbos plans.   Cliques and even family members found themselves divided into two camps - Team Dedi and Team Avraham Fried.  Despite the machlokes all Jews would ultimately unite during their post-concert activities, converging upon Woodbourne sometime after midnight.  Woodbourne is a one-horse town, no, Woodbourne is a strip mall consisting of roughly eight storefronts, which during the majority of the year is the very definition of a ghost town and during the two months of the summer is magically transformed into the single most happening place in the State of NY, with several kosher restaurants and other low key and low budget hangouts.  I'll never forget what took place when we arrived at Woodbourne.   We found ourselves yet again enmeshed in a second debate, this time as to whether we should have Pizza or Chinese? We elected the latter and after placing our order and awaiting our dinner, the door opened up and who should walk in? Dedi Graucher, wearing his signature concert garb, a black t-shirt with his name and logo - Dedi, emblazoned on the front!  Somewhat starstruck and now regretting both of our evening’s choices, first the concert and now the Chinese restaurant, we didn't skip a beat, and we told a little white lie.  We praised him for an incredible concert, the energy, the setlist, the vocals...etc… we couldn't stop talking about the beautiful and uplifting experience.  He turned to us, and if memory serves me correctly, said two words - “Nice hats!”  His cheerful attitude and self confidence made an impression on me - if only we were all so confident in our own skin, that it didn't make the slightest bit of difference what the other person was wearing!

How fitting that this lesson was taught to me on Motzaei Shabbat Nachamu, as the Jewish world was preparing to celebrate the holiday of Tu B’Av!

 

 

The Talmud (Taanit 31a) records the joyous celebrations of Tu B’Av, which takes place on Wednesday of this coming week. The joy of Tu B’Av was connected to a number of historical events that took place on this date, marking the beginning of a joyous time following a mournful one. It represents a clear dividing line between the baleful spirit of Tisha B’Av and the seven weeks of comfort that follow, leading up to Rosh Hashanah. Perhaps most famously, Tu B’Av served as a Jewish singles’ event, with a twist- it was young women who asked men out, rather than the other way around. The Talmud recounts that one of the rituals of that day involved women descending upon the fields, where they would call out to attract the attention of potential suitors.   

מיוחסות שבהן היו אומרות בחור וכו': תנו רבנן יפיפיות שבהן מה היו אומרות תנו עיניכם ליופי שאין האשה אלא ליופי מיוחסות שבהן מה היו אומרות תנו עיניכם למשפחה לפי שאין האשה אלא לבנים מכוערות שבהם מה היו אומרות קחו מקחכם לשום שמים ובלבד שתעטרונו בזהובים

It is taught that those women of distinguished lineage among them would say: Young man, please lift up your eyes and see what you choose for a wife. The Sages taught this practice in greater detail in a baraita: What would the beautiful women among them say? Set your eyes toward beauty, as a wife is only for her beauty. What would those of distinguished lineage among them say? Set your eyes toward family, as a wife is only for children, and the children of a wife from a distinguished family will inherit her lineage. What would the ugly ones among them say? Acquire your purchase for the sake of Heaven, provided that you adorn us with golden jewelry after our marriage to beautify us.

What is fascinating is that, despite the aggressive marketing in which they apparently engaged, they did very little to enhance their appearance. It goes without saying that photoshop was not part of their dating arsenal. They didn’t even apply makeup, they took no flattering headshot, and didn’t wear fancy clothing. Instead, every woman wore exactly the same thing: a simple white dress. 

 

שבהן בנות ירושלים כו': ת"ר בת מלך שואלת מבת כהן גדול בת כהן גדול מבת סגן ובת סגן מבת משוח מלחמה ובת משוח מלחמה מבת כהן הדיוט וכל ישראל שואלין זה מזה כדי שלא יתבייש את מי שאין לו:

§ The mishna taught: As on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, and on the fifteenth of Av they would go out to the vineyards and dance. The Sages taught this tradition in greater detail: The daughter of the king borrows white garments from the daughter of the High Priest; the daughter of the High Priest borrows from the daughter of the deputy High Priest; the daughter of the deputy High Priest borrows from the daughter of the priest anointed for war, i.e., the priest who would read verses of Torah and address the army as they prepared for battle; the daughter of the priest anointed for war borrows from the daughter of a common priest; and all the Jewish people borrow from each other. Why would they all borrow garments? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments.

It is surprising that, with all the emphasis each woman placed on her  advantage in the dating market- lineage, finances, natural beauty- why didn’t they attempt to put themselves together further? Certainly, Judaism does not prize externals above all else, but wearing a white shmatteh doesn’t seem like the best wardrobe choice if you wish to make a strong first impression!

 

Perhaps the answer is that by equalizing their wardrobe, these women were teaching us a lesson about what Tu B’Av- and marriage- really is about. Not to suggest that everyone is identical, but from the perspective of potential marriage partners, we wish to minimize the urge to compare to others. Instead of comparing the dresses of each woman, the suitors were encouraged to look for the intangible qualities these women possessed; the chein, the personal and religious qualities possessed by their counterparts that would complement their own. One of the myriad issues facing the Jewish community is what is called, variously, the “shidduch crisis,” the “singles scene” and so on. Many fingers are pointed attempting to assign blame- whether it is the failure of religious institution to create healthy environments for young men and woman to meet, schools creating unhealthy expectations of a Jewish marriage in formative years, and popular culture creating dangerous paradigms for what love and romance look like. But one universal inhibitor of happy relationships is comparison to others. In his outstanding book If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide To Staying Together, James Sexton offers marriage advice from the perspective someone who makes an excellent living off of the marital mistakes of others. The title of Chapter 19 is titled If We Were Designing an Infidelity-Generating Machine, It Would Be Facebook. Everytime we look over our shoulder at someone else’s family, home, vacation or art projects, we are generating unhealthy comparisons and terrible energy, which threaten the stability of our own relationships. Chazal understood, on the Jewish festival of love, that the key to loving the life you have is not to focus on someone else’s. This insightful piece of advice is not just true psychologically- it is true practically as well. With only a small window into the carefully curated lives of others, we have no idea what they are going through. The illustrious family of the woman who uses it on the shidduch market may be hiding some rather large skeletons. The woman whose natural beauty seems to be her advantage may be suffering an unseen illness, and the brilliant person may be plagued by crippling insecurity.

 

As we move from Tisha B’Av to Tu B’Av, from mourning to joy, let us remember that the key to happiness is not to look at what you don’t have, but to love what you do.